Astrology isn’t something that I am well versed in. I have a slightly above average understanding when it comes to the rulers of the sky but I’m just barely scratching the surface. That is why I wasn’t aware that we were entering another Mercury retrograde until I was already feeling the energetic shifts.
About 2 weeks ago I found myself feeling totally disconnected to The Inspired Soul Podcast. Every time I started to work on putting together the next episode I felt a block. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I decided to take a week off to do some investigation.
I spent time each day in meditation trying to receive an answer as to why I felt so blocked. I felt intuitively that I should check the forecast (the astrological forecast that is)
Sure enough, there it was Mercury retrograde. If you don’t quite understand what a Mercury retrograde is you can read all about it in this informative article from beliefnet.com.
I finally understood what was happening. The universe was calling me to slow down and reevaluate. I have since taken that advice and have spent a lot of time over the last couple of weeks really focusing on what my intention is with this podcast and blog.
When I started this podcast and blog I was fueled by the enthusiasm to share the wisdom from spirit that has helped to transform my life as well as my passion for shadow work and spirit communication. However, I now realize that I was afraid to narrow my niche too much or open up fully because I feared rejection.
I was so focused on softening my message so that it could be received by a wide variety of people that I was losing the authenticity of my personal message.
This realization was confirmed by a particularly odd but powerful dream that I had. In the dream I was holding a baby (I’m assuming it was my baby) The baby was hungry and crying out to be fed. The hungry infant grasped at my breasts wanting to nurse but I was in front of a group of people and I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable by just pulling out my boob in public. So instead of nursing the baby, I put my finger into its mouth in hopes to calm it down until I had time to properly nurse him somewhere privately. It worked for a minute but he quickly grew frustrated and started crying again.
I then proceeded to try a variety of other items to soothe the baby’s hunger, a pacifier, teething ring, my shoulder … yes, my shoulder, it’s a dream. Nothing quenched the baby’s thirst and he became more and more frantic as time went on. I woke up from the dream with a looming anxiousness.
It was clear to me what the dream represented. The baby represents this podcast and blog. Nursing the baby represents vulnerability and providing content that is personal and authentic, my true message. The fact that I felt uncomfortable with nursing in front of others and tried to quench the baby’s thirst with other objects shows my hesitation to allow myself to be vulnerable. Although the content I’ve worked on comes from the intention to share my message with others, I have not allowed myself to be fully vulnerable. I find myself holding back.
The people I’m around in the dream, the people that I feel afraid to be vulnerable around, represent my friends and family. These are the people in my immediate circle of influence. I have not revealed my beliefs to them. I’m, in a way, living in the metaphysical closet.
You see many of the people in my life are religious. I was raised Christian and for much of my adult life I identified as Christian. I built my life on the foundation of a Christian belief system.
Everything changed one day when I experienced what I can only describe as a spiritual awakening. It was unexpected and spontaneous. I wasn’t in meditation or prayer or on the beach pondering life. I was in my car driving to work like I did every Monday when I received a powerful vision. In this vision the truth about god and the universe was revealed to me. There are no words that could possibly describe what I experienced in that moment but it brought me to tears. I was overwhelmed by an emotion I’d never felt before with such intensity, pure divine love.
For 3 days after that experience I felt like I was fully free from fear. I felt love like I’d never felt before. I experienced what it was like to live without fear and to love without attachment. After a few days I felt myself slipping back into the reality I knew before and that heavenly presence felt more and more distant. But I couldn’t forget what was revealed to me.
Everything that I thought about life and death, everything I believed about God, now felt so small. It was scary because I felt so alone. I had no one to talk to about what had happened. I attempted to explain it to some of my close friends and family but I was met with a raised eyebrow. I realized pretty quickly that just because I now knew this beautiful truth it didn’t mean that the people around me were ready or willing to hear it.
The last few years my spiritual journey has been a rather lonely one, although, I have met some beautiful souls along the way. This year I’ve felt spirit telling me that it’s time. It’s time to reconnect with the world. Spirit always guides us in the direction that’s for our best, but it is up to us to follow, or not.
So here I am staring my vulnerability in the face. I’m left with a decision to make. I can continue to stay where I am, safe and sound in my comfort zone, or I can grab my fear by the hand and jump into the unknown. I know I the choice I have to make. It’s a scary one but if I stay in this state of fear I’ll never fully satisfy my soul’s thirst to be expressed.
There are changes about to happen. I’m planning to take this podcast in a new direction. One that is a more true expression of my authentic self and the message I have to share. In the mean time. I’m taking a short break as I continue to reevaluate the direction I am going to take this podcast and blog. But I promise you that the next episode will be one that you won’t want to miss.